


The Worth of Fire

by DoctorMagenta



Series: Arsonist's Tale [1]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Bottom Erik Lehnsherr, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dom Charles Xavier, Dom Charles Xavier/Sub Erik Lehnsherr, Dubious Consent, Erik Lehnsherr Defense Squad, Erik Lehnsherr is not a Happy Bunny, Evil Sebastian Shaw, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Erik Lehnsherr, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, M/M, Mansion Fic, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Charles Xavier, Self-Esteem Issues, Sub Erik Lehnsherr, Top Charles Xavier, Under-negotiated Kink, Unsafe Sex, bad communication skills, cannon setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:33:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27112664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorMagenta/pseuds/DoctorMagenta
Summary: "What ended up being one of Charles’ worst nightmares started almost like a dream come true."Charles and Erik were going to sacrifice a lot just to stay together, but there were some lines neither of them wanted to cross, or so it seemed. There was a lot of things left unsaid, and some dark and horrible past hidden in plain sight. All of this with a threat of the nuclear war hanging over their heads and an old tormentor just waiting for the right time.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier, Erik Lehnsherr/Sebastian Shaw
Series: Arsonist's Tale [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1999597
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31
Collections: X-Men Kink Meme 2020





	The Worth of Fire

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:**  
>  Erik has major self worth issues and a very skewed idea of what a ideal sub should be due to Shaw's treatment of him. When he and Charles finally get together Erik feels so unworthy that he tries to become the subiest sub that ever subed. Charles is confused about what happened to the fierce personality he fell in love with.
> 
> Beta read by the awesome [FlightInFlame](/users/flightinflame/)
> 
> More information about the warnings in the end notes.

What ended up being one of Charles’ worst nightmares started almost like a dream come true: late evening, when the mansion finally slept, Erik walked into a study with a clear purpose, closed the door behind him and locked it with an easy flick of his wrist. There was something deep and heated in his gaze, but when there was not? Charles found himself trapped inside those steely eyes as so many times before. That was a quality he found attractive almost from their first moments, how the other man seemed to carry all those fierce, wild emotions inside, guarded like precious gems they were by an unyielding exterior. And now Erik walked into the study, all this strength and grace, and the intensity of his sharp mind focused solely on Charles in an exciting and unnerving way. It was always like that, Erik’s devotion to one subject encompassing and definite. How many times Charles wished it wasn’t so focused on hurt, anger and vengeance, and now apparently that had happened, he himself a sole target of this attention. Neither of them said a word, Charles not wanting to break unique tension that settled between them, full of promise. Then Erik lowered his eyes, and it was unusual, this man never backed off, but even more unexpected was when he crossed the room with his long strides and then sank to his knees next to the only occupied chair.

Charles stopped breathing for a few long moments. He felt like it wasn’t real but moment after moment he was not waking up, and the figure kneeling at his feet stayed unmoved, with head lowered so his face was completely hidden.

“Erik...?”

As exciting as the prospect was, Charles couldn’t stop himself from feeling a bit anxious due to such unErik-like behavior. He didn’t really expect him to just do this of all things, after weeks of chess matches and exchanging glances. However good it looked Charles didn’t use those clear invitations, and he wasn’t going to just jump onto the opportunity now.

“I saw how you look at me,” said Erik after it was clear that nothing was going to happen.

“How do I look at you?”

To himself Charles was going to admit, the idea of Erik with all his power and iron will willingly submitting to him was an image that made a frequent appearance in his fantasies, even if it looked so impossible and unrealistic every other time. Erik had so dominant and uncompromising a personality forged in the most nightmarish places in the world, he would never give this up, never would trust anyone so deeply as to agree on this amount of power over himself. Charles long ago resigned himself to the fact that the other man had no trust to give and would rather die than show any vulnerability. And even knowing this, he was in impossible love with him. But yet, here they were.

“I know you want me,” said Erik evenly. “And I’m offering.”

Charles couldn’t possibly resist that, and yet somehow he managed to. He worried, was he so easy to read? Or worse, was he unconsciously projecting his wants to Erik? He swore a long time ago, that he’d never ever use telepathy to convince or coerce anyone to any intimacy. It would be no better than rape, and to do that to Erik of all people, who was hurt so badly already... He would never regain those remains of trust he had, and he would never forgive himself for doing this to his dearest friend. He did the best thing he could come up with: he slammed all his mental barriers shut to be sure that nothing, not one stray thought was influencing Erik right now. He waited, but nothing happened, the other man didn’t shake off this weird state he was in, he didn’t jump to his feet and start throwing accusations.

“Are you sure?” asked Charles softly.

But the answer was immediate and devoid of hesitation: “Yes, I am.”

“And you know what you’re doing?”

“Yes.”

But he still refused to raise his head and it was more worrying with every passing second, up to the moment Charles couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Look at me, Erik.”

He did look up sharply, startling, and there was so much need and raw desperation in his eyes that it was almost frightening. He was never as open, as honest with his emotions as he was now. But as soon as their eyes met, Erik’s gaze escaped down again like he couldn’t stand contact too long, and Charles could understand him. He moved very slowly, sitting at the edge of his armchair, and all those little movements Erik noticed without actually looking.

“You need to tell me if I’m doing anything you don’t like.”

But God, this temptation was truly irresistible. He’d never taken part in such... games in the bedroom, just heard things and seen in the minds of his mother’s guests, but right here, in this moment, Erik was certainly willing and would protest if there was something not to his liking. There couldn’t possibly be any harm in indulging.

“Come here.”

Erik obeyed instantly, just getting on the awaiting lap and somehow folding his tall body so Charles could grab him and finally kiss with frustrated intensity. He had wanted Erik for so long, ever since dragging him from a water grave in Miami, but was never certain if the other man returned his feelings. He could be so hard to read sometimes, and Charles didn’t want to risk what they already had. Waiting paid off, it seemed, now that he finally had Erik in his arms, because of the other’s initiative on top of that. Really Erik would probably have let him do it sooner if the way he almost melted under a simple touch was any indication. Charles couldn’t possibly go slow anymore, kissing with passion and ferocity, one hand tangled in the short hair to keep Erik’s head where he wanted it, the other mapping the perfectly formed body before him.

Erik looked beautiful and enticing no matter what he was doing, but he had a kind of aloofness that killed so many advances before they even started. Many people looked his way when they were travelling through the country in search of mutants, but not many dared to approach and even those were met with indifference. Charles let his hands linger on more than one occasion, and Erik never snapped at him, but also didn’t seem to react in any positive way. With that distance he put between himself and anyone else, with his history, he must have been touch starved at this point, however he didn’t look like it. But it seemed he was just very good at pretending.

Here and now Erik was anything but cold and distant. Body heat was seeping through the material of his turtleneck, and Charles wanted it gone, wanted to explore in peace and bask in the feeling of finally getting his hands where he wanted to. Still he managed some constructive thoughts even in the state he was in and with the great regret untangled himself from Erik. He cast a quick glance just to check if he was still okay, and that almost drove him right back: Erik’s steel-grey eyes were dark with arousal, his lips reddened and gleaming with split, and hair messed wildly with a few dark strands sticking to his forehead. Charles brushed those back lovingly.

“I think we should move upstairs while we still can. The study is not really the best place for this, don’t you think?”

He didn’t want their first time to be a rushed one cramped on an armchair. He wanted time to explore every tiniest detail and wreck Erik with pleasure so much he would shout himself hoarse. But the longer they stayed like this, the more likely that one of them would just toss restraint through the window. Erik moved back to make a space and then let Charles lead him by the hand, since it was not possible they would stop touching at all anytime soon. Charles didn’t want to seem over-eager even if he actually was. He made sure the hallways ahead were empty, as Erik fell a step behind him and said nothing at all.

The moment they were inside of Charles’ room, he was on Erik again, all but slamming him into the door with a loud thump. Standing at the door wasn’t a big improvement of squishing into one armchair, but Charles couldn’t really help himself, that was the effect the other man had on him. Still he stopped himself to look closely for any signs of discomfort, he was a bit forceful after all.

“Still okay?”

“Yes” answered Erik without hesitation.

“Let’s move it to the bed.”

Charles almost expected some witty comeback, that he was the one who can’t keep this in his pants, but it looked like they were both equally caught up in the situation. Erik's reaction when he finally noticed the bed was delightful and Charles drank it up greedily. There were times when he was lying in the middle of the night, reaching for this metal frame and just wanting, but had only his imagination and his hand to entertain those thoughts. Now Erik shivered visibly, and the bed did too. He got one hand on the old metal like he couldn’t resist, and pushed one picture-thought at the telepath, who couldn’t resist shuddering too.

“I’m all in.”

In the record time he had Erik naked on his back, panting harshly under eager exploring fingers. Charles reminded Erik of his previous proposition; pinning his hands above his head. There was no way he could actually manhandle the man lying so exposed under him, and so it awakened another excitement of being allowed to have that power over a willing captive. Erik didn’t fight the grasp in the least, just looked up questioningly.

“You don’t want me to undress you?”

It was a tempting offer, but Charles wanted this to last, and if he got his pants down things would spiral out of control quickly.

“I’d like to focus on you first, if you don’t mind.”

Erik showed that he didn’t mind by letting his hands be tangled into a web of metal vines that grew from the bedframe in a few seconds. The view was stunning and if Charles had his dick out at the moment he’d be done already. Erik was in his bed spread like a feast, strong arms immobilized, broad chest tapering down to a slim waist that Charles was currently straddling. He was unable to stop the tiny grinding motion that did nothing to satisfy them with the harsh material of pants between their sensitive areas. That was the point. Charles intended to drag it out until they were both half mad with want. He kissed and licked and Erik threw his head back, exposing his throat with so primal a sign of surrender that made the telepath dizzy.

“Can I mark you?” he asked in haste. “Are you okay with-“

“Yes.”

Not needing any more encouragement he set his teeth to work, nibbling and biting at the soft and vulnerable skin. Never before he felt any urge to leave his mark on any of his previous lovers, but now it felt like an inevitability. Erik was scarred all over with every terrible thing that happened to him, and Charles was ready to battle with old demons for every inch of skin. All those high collars were like an invitation to set his teeth to work, since it would be all concealed but for moments they were alone with each other.

Judging by his harsh panting Erik was as in favor as Charles was of the nibbling, but what elicited a long moan was the same treatment brought upon his nipples, stiff and sensitive even before Charles laid a hand on them. Only now, sucking and biting, Charles discovered two little puncture holes framing each one nub, and he recognized them immediately, even if he never even imagined Erik would get pierced, let alone there. He filed it away for later, too caught up now with all the things he was going to do next. Erik never voiced any protest, and the way he was writhing and arching his back clearly suggested he wanted more. Happy to oblige, Charles moved down, for a moment admired Erik’s impressive cock, flushed dark and straining, before he eagerly went to work there. It was quite a long time since he last sucked someone off, and Erik was bigger than any of his previous partners, but it was a welcomed challenge.

And he was certainly doing something right, when he first licked at the circumcised head, then closed his mouth around it and sucked. He felt the telltale taste of precome and it was his only warning before Erik went stiff, chiseled muscles on his abdomen clenching violently, and he came right into Charles’ mouth. It was only moments later when Erik tried to lift himself up without removing the restraints, something like panic in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, so sorry, I knew I shouldn’t-“

“It’s okay”, said Charles lightly. “Just didn’t expect this so soon, but it means I did something right.”

There was something weird about the level of alarm Erik displayed, but he ignored it, having more pressing matters at hand. Suggestively he licked his lips and observed how Erik’s eyes got even bigger at the sight.

“...You really don’t mind?”

“Not at all. Though I hoped I’d get to fuck you tonight, but it’s all at your pace.”

Now Erik seemed confused.

“Why wouldn’t you want that tonight?”

Charles scooted back up, brushed a strand of hair from Erik’s sweaty forehead.

“Of course I still want it! But don’t want to overwhelm you.”

“Go on, then.”

There was apparently no limit to the amount of wonders this man was going to bestow upon him. Charles was really getting desperate and in no place for refusing a generous offer, but he needed to make sure.

“You’ve done this before?”

“You mean anal sex? Yes.”

That was probably no room for being embarrassed when you just sucked another man off, but the straightforward way Erik said this seemed almost obscene. Not waiting to wait any longer Charles fished out a vial of lube from the bedside drawer, looked once again to see if Erik was still on board, and then started to carefully prepare him. Or as carefully as he was able. Seeing Erik still splayed on the bed with hands above his head, sweaty and with soft cock laying vulnerably across his abdomen did nothing to temper Charles’ want. He was almost more arresting like this, loose and pliant with his eyes closed, than he was moaning and thrashing, coiled tight with arousal. That because Erik never relaxed, never let his guard down, save for apparently this time he spent in Charles’ hands.

He was exactly as soft and unresisting when Charles finally pushed down his pants and underwear, slathered his dick with more lube and thrust inside. It felt amazing, all that heat and tightness, but what set Charles off was the knowledge that it was Erik laying himself down so open and trusting like possibly never before. He came crying Erik’s name and much later - all cleaned and tidied - drifted to sleep, soaking in the warmth of this comforting presence beside him. He slept well probably the first time since they all moved into this cursed house.

There was World War Three approaching, a tremendous change to how the things were before, and yet Charles felt at peace for the first time since his first meeting with Raven. Something loose finally settled into place and he was calm. Of course he had wanted Erik since the day he set his eyes on him, but the dizzying part was how seamlessly they fit together, like in those stories about soulmates and finding your other half. He was a bit of a romantic after all. He couldn’t believe how right it was, how this change brought everything he wanted, until the day he made a startling realization that it didn’t.

Erik was the most perfect lover anyone would wish for: willing every time and no matter the hour Charles went to him, always ready to try anything he’d come up with. No matter if he ended up tied, blindfolded and with Charles roughly fucking his mouth, or on the plush bed surrounded by cushions during what could only be called as lovemaking. Neither of them had a clue of what exactly they were doing, but it seemed perfectly fine.

Charles started noticing some tiny details that he tried to ignore at first as a sign of paranoia, but they never went away, bothering him every time he let his mind get idle. Most times it was at night, when he laid warm and sated, limbs curling protectively around his lover’s sleeping body. Even if he always seemed only happy to indulge Charles, the truth was Erik never went to him on his own after the first time. It could easily be explained that Charles was the impatient one, always making the first move and not waiting for the other, but there was more to it. Raven cornered him after dinner to ask what was wrong with Erik, that he seemed oddly subdued, and his first reaction was to discard those worries, but on the other hand... she had a point. Again, it could be explained, they were quickly approaching the time they’ll finally, hopefully confront Shaw once and for all, it was understandable Erik was anxious about the end of his almost twenty year crusade. Unfortunately Charles couldn’t shake off the feeling that it all started with their first night together. He couldn’t understand it. They were both willing, clearly enjoyed themselves, what could have gone wrong? Erik certainly had some relationships previously, even pretty kinky ones considering how he acted in the bedroom, clearly knowing what he wanted from Charles. Was there a moment they made a mistake?

Of course Charles could just dive into Erik’s mind, sort through his memories and extract answers on his own, but he felt like it would be just disrespectful both to a man he considered his equal in every sense, and also to the promise he made months ago to not invade his head ever again. He also stayed clear just for his own peace of mind, to be sure he never unconsciously influenced the other man into anything they did together. But now he noticed that Erik never argued with him anymore. He wanted to pin it to his own gift of persuasion, but that didn’t feel right. Charles discovered that even if the other man’s views often infuriated him and were a plain contradiction of his own policy, he liked the discussions they had. So few people challenged him and his opinions anymore, he grew used to being heard, but from the beginning Erik had none of that and wasn’t afraid of voicing his sometimes harsh opinions on alleged naivety and short sight. Even if they were talking about the music, or literature, or the weather, Erik never showed any care in censuring himself. But now...

Erik didn’t feel calmed by their new arrangement. If something, he appeared to be bottling all his everlasting rage deep inside, something he never needed to before. It was almost like the moment they first slept with each other, Erik stopped trusting Charles anymore – which was absurd considering their night-time activities, but how else could he describe it? And considering Raven’s words, he withdrew from any other relationships too. That was worrying but at the same time Charles didn’t really know how to approach the issue gently. He couldn’t really accuse Erik of not trusting him, not now, when the other man slept so peacefully in his arms even after all the awful things in his past that taught him otherwise.

“You’d let me know if I did something you didn’t like, right?”

Erik looked up from the place he had seated himself at Charles’ feet, even if there were three other perfectly comfortable armchairs around. His steel-grey eyes were cautious, like it was a question you could give a wrong answer to.

“Why do you ask?”

Because he was not sure if he would. But Charles stopped himself from saying that.

“Just answer the question, my dear.”

“Yes, I would.”

Charles didn’t need his telepathy to know it was a lie, and that hurt unexpectedly deep. He threaded fingers through that dark ginger hair, and wondered where they went amiss.

“Is it because of Shaw?”

He could feel Erik immediately getting tense, fight or flight response activating, but he managed to clamp it down.

“All my life is because of him,” he said tonelessly.

“Erik...”

“Don’t you know it already?”

It took a moment for Charles to understand that he meant telepathy.

“I haven't read your mind since that time in Langley.”

He wanted to sound reassuring, but instead Erik looked simply confused, like he didn’t expect the answer at all.

“Why?”

“You asked me not to do that.”

That was even more worrying, did Erik suffer some memory loss in the meantime? Maybe he should have Hank take a look? But at the same time some pieces of the puzzle finally found their place. If Erik thought his thoughts were easily accessible, he expected Charles to know something he didn’t.

“But that was before.”

So not memory loss. There was this honest confusion in Erik’s eyes, like he really believed that what? Their coming together meant Charles having free access to his mind?

“I’m not reading you, darling. Not unless you tell me you want me to.”

“You could.”

“Do you want me to?”

At that Erik just shrugged, not looking at him at all. He was just beginning to notice all those evasive answers that every time before he took as “yes” not even thinking much. He wished he could track all of them in the past few days, but he simply wasn’t paying attention. That was very concerning, Charles was just beginning to wrap his mind around what it could possibly mean. He decided on an open confrontation.

“What’s wrong, Erik?”

“What do you mean?” Those evasive answers again.

“You act differently.”

Erik shifted minutely, then asked with clear distress:

“And you don’t like it.”

Charles didn’t know what to make of it all.

“You know I was never fond of you discussing murder over a breakfast, or counting how many nazis you killed, but... I miss what we had before. That you were challenging me like no one before, and never fell behind. But now I think you’re stopping yourself, and would like to know why.”

He tried to speak in the most neutral, non-judgmental way possible. Erik in such a weird and seemingly fragile state could react unpredictably, but all in all Charles didn’t expect quiet and hesitant “I’m sorry”.

“What for?”

“Disappointing you. I wanted to be a person you deserve, but should’ve known you’d see straight through it.”

Charles felt his heart constrict painfully at those words. He had never heard Erik talk like that before, he always seemed so confident and self assured, but now clear misery in his voice was unmistakable. Charles dropped to the floor in an instant to embrace his love? friend? with as much reassurance as he could.

“Darling. You are the person I want to be with, the real you and not some constructed personality you think I desire. And above all, I want you to be happy. Are you?”

He could feel the other man shake. He’d never seen him so vulnerable and obviously hurt. He was cursing his own arrogance and stupidity for not noticing earlier that Erik was battling some deeper problems alone. He was just selfishly happy to get what he always wanted, and that made him blind to the needs of a person he claimed to care about. Now he hated himself from a mere hour before for not noticing and not reacting.

“I love you” he said with utmost certainty.

“No, don’t say that.”

“That’s the truth.”

Charles gathered all of his feelings and pressed them gently into the other’s mind, as much of them as he could possibly deal with. Erik was now shaking like a leaf, and with tears silently wetting his cheeks. Violent emotions were assaulting Charles’ mental barriers, but he needed to remain as composed as possible, even if his heart broke in halves. The mere thought that he was the one to cause his love so much pain was unbearable, but he didn’t know how to fix it.

“You deserve so much more,” whispered Erik.

“No, don’t even think like that! You’re so clever, handsome and kind, how can you not see that?”

“I’m not fishing for approval.”

“That’s reassurance. I certainly don’t approve your self-depreciation, but we’ll work on this, you have my word. Just remember that I don’t want you to force or sacrifice yourself, not for me, not for anything in the world.”

Erik turned his head and looked at him with uncertain eyes, still reddened and eyelashes framing them spiked with tears. It hurt so much to see him like that.

“I don’t want to burden you with this. Never planned to.”

With all tenderness on the world Charles wiped wet traces of tears on his cheeks and held his face gently between both palms.

“That’s not a burden, don’t even think this way. I want to take care of you, as much as you allow me. Not because you can’t do it yourself, but because you shouldn’t have to.”

Erik shook his head lightly, casting eyes somewhere down.

“I can’t ever repay you.” He sounded defeated.

“That’s not about repayment, love. You’ve been alone for so long, would you let me just show you how it can be, if you’re not? Just that one thing.”

“There is nothing I wouldn’t let you do, you know it.”

“Do I?”

Erik didn’t reply, just rested his forehead on Charles’ shoulder and finally looked calm, peaceful even. There was something of a surrender about him, but hopefully it was the acceptance that he was going to be cared for and it wasn’t going to change anytime soon. Even if Charles still found troubling parts of his lover’s logic, he firmly believed that as they established a precedent, they could work with it from now on. They sat together like that, on the floor while the evening methodically stole the remains of light from the sky. Neither of them made a move to turn on a lamp, in fact the approaching darkness seemed soothing and welcome. Really Charles was on board with any circumstances that allowed him to hold Erik in his arms like this.

Then Erik shifted at first without an obvious purpose, but Charles caught up with it when he found himself lying flat on a carpet, the other man sitting between his bended legs.

“You don’t have to,” he said quickly.

“I know. You want me to stop?”

He couldn’t help a loud moan when Erik palmed at his cock, and then undid the pants with a casual flex of power. It was dark in the study, both of them just a vague shapes, but there was no mistake about where it was going when Charles felt hot breath caressing his abdomen, and then rushed kisses as the clothes were pushed down. He grabbed blindly with one hand, and when he found other’s head he grabbed short, sleek hair and urged on. Without any more teasing Erik licked and sucked Charles’s cock into his mouth, instantly going for deepthroating. He was so good at this, better than any previous partner the telepath had – apparently devoid of a gag reflex, devoted and relentless, knowing just how to swallow or move his tongue to make Charles see stars. He always swallowed too, and that never failed to spark a possessive urge, like he was somehow marked by doing so. Charles would think his own skills were rather pale in comparison if not for the fact he managed to bring his lover off at every attempt.

Now he was moaning without any restraint and fighting the urge to thrust into the welcoming heat. He knew his lover wouldn’t have anything against it, but it was almost the shame if he resorted to a primitive fucking when he was pleasured so masterfully. He managed to choke a warning, but as always Erik didn’t falter even for a second, swallowing around the cock that was pumping come down his throat. There was something intoxicating about the absolute abandonment with which he did that. Moving himself back he cleaned his lover’s spent cock with gentle sweeps of tongue.

Charles was lying boneless, trying to bring himself back to life after a mind-blowing orgasm. He managed to grab Erik and bring him up for a passionate kiss, tasting himself on his lover’s tongue.

“Do you need a hand?” he managed to ask when they separated.

“No, I’m good.” And when he opened mouth to argue, Erik just hugged him tighter. “Can I carry you to your room?”

Charles was surprised, but at the same point he realized that he would actually like it very much.

“I can walk, you know,” he managed to object anyway.

“Yes, but I’m not letting you go anytime in the near future.”

“Oh. Then yes, I’d love it.”

When he felt those strong arms wrapping around him protectively and lifting him up like he was something special, he thought he could very well get used to it. Surrounded by Erik’s warmth and scent he wanted to stay like that forever.

They were lying in the comfortable silence of Charles’ bedroom, and he loved peaceful moments like this, when he could just look at Erik as much as he wanted; he was so beautiful like this. Of course his lover was incredibly handsome no matter what, everyone with an eyesight could tell that, but it was different from seeing him naked like this, relaxed, with a lovely flush high on his cheekbones and with hair in disarray. But more than that, now the telepath could trace all of his nicely defined muscles (and scars, but he wasn’t going to bring attention to those) down to a thin waist and strong legs. Charles was not a weakling himself, used to training for a lot of sports during his university years, but Erik was just a piece of art, something far more than just being fit. In many years of travel he must have had a lot of people throwing themselves at his feet and it suddenly caused Charles a spike of jealousy, even if here they were now, in Charles’ bed, in his house, and fortunately with even more good sex awaiting in the future. Even so, nobody said they couldn’t have even better sex with a bit of gentle probing, and Charles was so fascinated with those piercing marks, which he liked to regularly adorn with hickeys.

“I didn’t think you had a lot of time for dates.”

Erik looked at him with those pale gray eyes glinting in the dark.

“I didn’t.”

“So, you were just a very proficient learner?” Charles tried to joke.

“What do you mean?”

“Well... you’re clearly very experienced. Or is it a natural talent? I guess there’s nothing you’re bad at.” He was rambling and willed himself to stop.

“Are you asking if I was sleeping around while hunting Shaw?”

“No! I mean yes, but not like it’s something wrong. Not long ago I was hopeless with this too, just ask Raven. She was getting mad at me all the time.”

“I wasn’t sleeping around. I didn’t have time.”

Charles was feeling worse and worse about bringing up this topic, but he was never very adept at stopping himself soon enough.

“Even to, you know... gather information?”

“Beating someone or threatening with a gun is efficient enough.”

“Oh, okay. I get it.”

Silence stretched between them for a long moment, Charles hating himself for bringing up this conversation, but it was Erik who spoke up first, sounding sheepish and regretful.

“Charles...? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, don’t be sorry, please. I asked and you answered. Sometimes I just... forget how hard your life was, because you’re such a kind person inside, even if you don’t want to show it.”

Erik actually laughed shortly and without real happiness.

“Really, I’m not.”

“I mean it, love. I saw into the minds of so many awful people and you’re as far away from it as possible. Sometimes I just want to pretend even before myself that you had some normalcy, otherwise it scares me how much the world has hurt you.” He waited for some answer, but there was none coming and he was growing anxious. “Erik? Say something.”

His lover sighed gently and replied with hesitation:

“I don’t want to scare you more.”

Charles' heart constricted painfully.

“You won’t, I promise. You can tell me anything... but you don’t have to of course.”

What he didn’t expect was the hushed admission, that made his blood freeze:

“I just... didn’t want you to know about Shaw.”

Charles’ mind whited out for a moment, as a sense of dread settled over his shoulders. He wanted to see the other’s face, but in the dark he could only make out vague contours.

“Shaw? But... I know about-“

“You asked me about being proficient, didn’t you?” said Erik in a calm, matter-of-factly voice.

“Do you... Did that degenerate raped you?”

Charles hated how his voice broke at the end, but it was even worse when Erik answered in the same emotionless manner as before:

“No. No he didn’t. I never said no to him, I’ve even... offered. Tried to learn things to pleasure him better. When he was fucking me at least he was not experimenting on me.”

“Oh God. Oh my God, Erik.”

He was standing before he even realized it. He felt panicked and horrified at once and it made him shake violently, especially with Erik’s half seated form following all his movement. His heart was beating rapidly as if it wanted to run away as much as he did.

“You say... that he didn’t rape you because you never said no?”

“Yes?”

Erik seemed unsure not because of the previous events, but due to Charles’ reaction, and that was even worse.

“He was your torturer, Erik! Even if you... did things for him, that doesn’t mean consent. You couldn’t possibly say no to him, could you? And even if you did, you think he’d listen? That was violence whenever you want to acknowledge it or not!”

Instantly he regretted raising his voice, but he was so agitated and Erik was just... not understanding! He could half see and half hear that the other man shifted on the bed uncomfortably, and he wanted to see his face in full light, but at the same time he was afraid to.

“Charles, please forget it and come back to bed.”

It hit Charles in one terrible moment and he felt like his knees were going to give out. Even with a support of a nearby wall he was still feeling like he was going to faint, and Erik...

“Did you even know you can say ‘no’ to me? Would you do it when I did something you didn’t want? Oh my god, Erik, I was raping you all that time!”

“What are you talking about?” asked Erik with a rough voice.

“It’s not a surprise you’ve never came to me on your own, if I was forcing myself on you and was too God damn blind to see any clues!”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? You had let me do anything to you, because you didn’t know you were allowed to say ‘no’! You told me that you wouldn’t deny me anything, but I had my head stuck too far in my ass to notice. I’m no better than Shaw!”

Now Erik raised from the bed and stepped towards him, but Charles backed off.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re nothing like Shaw.”

Erik sounded so sure of this, and yet...

“And would you tell me if I was doing something you didn’t like?”

“That never happened, so-“

“Would you?”

The silence was a better answer than any possible words and Charles felt like his stomach was turning around as the reality of what he’d done crushed down on him all at once. He’d known that there was something wrong! Knew it, but ignored it because the idea of getting his dick wet was more important than anything else. He knew that however calm and composed Erik may seem, he was so deeply hurt in the past, nobody should approach him without the utmost caution. Charles managed to fool himself that just because he loved the other man, he would never hurt him, and instead he did something like this. He had only disgust for himself. When Erik came to him the first time and kneeled, he knew that there was something not right, but he never investigated.

However it was Erik’s voice that sounded desperate.

“Please, don’t go. Can’t we just start again? I promise, I’ll do anything-“

“I hurt you.” Charles interrupted him before it became even worse.

“You’d never. I didn’t tell you before, but I swear to God, I love you too, Charles.”

But he was panicking, shaking his head and retreating even further, like putting space between the two of them could help in any way.

“You don’t. You can’t. I was terribly abusing you all this time and all you think you’re feeling... God, I must’ve implanted my own feelings into your mind at some point. I’m so sorry, truly, but what you’re feeling now is not real.”

He gathered his telepathy as close as he could, and put impenetrable barriers around his mind. He would never forgive himself, not after doing what always terrified him the most and unconsciously messed with the mind of someone dear to him. How could he know if anything he had with Erik was real? He must have changed his mind from the very first moment they met, otherwise why would the other man do so many things that didn’t lie in his character? Letting Shaw out of his grasp, allying with other people, making friends... That was a lie. Charles forced him to do all of this.

His retreat was suddenly stopped by something wrapping around his shoulders and legs, causing his panic to peak even higher. Then the harsh, electric light was on and he was looking into those most perfect steel-gray eyes, because Erik was standing just inches from him, metal under his command stopping Charles from moving. If he wanted revenge for Charles violating so brutally the only fortress he had left... he had the very right to do so. Charles didn’t even try to escape. He just confirmed Erik’s deepest fears and probably ruined any chance that the other man would ever trust anyone in his life again. There was no one that could escape his vengeance and Charles wasn’t even going to try, not after what he’d done.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know,” said Erik with a soft voice and then, bafflingly, he took hold of Charles' arms and called all the metal back. “I know you didn’t, and you would never hurt me. Would you just listen to what I have to say? Please.” He breathed raggedly. “We may never know if you altered my mind or not, but listen, what was done is done and I. Don’t. Care. This short time you made me happier than I ever remember being and I don’t regret anything that happened between us, especially not after all you told me tonight. I don’t think I can deal with it if you walk away now, because of my mistakes.”

Charles’ breath was shallow and he felt feverish with tear stains cooling rapidly on his face.

“It’s not your mistakes,” he whispered. “I’m just trying to do the right thing...”

“What is right or wrong anyway?” Suddenly Erik looked away. “But I understand if that’s just too mixed up and difficult, I don’t even know if I can form a normal relationship with anyone, and you deserve someone sane, not damaged goods.”

Something finally broke in Charles, he clutched Erik with all the strength he’d got and cried into his shoulder more desperately than he’d ever before. He held the love of his life in his arms, could feel the warmth of his skin, hear every breath and heartbeat, and it was just so damningly unfair how cruel the world was to the person he cared the most about. That dazzling, brilliant mind was brutally fractured deep down and Charles swore that he was going to pour all his love inside until it completely healed. Some of this he must have projected, because he heard Erik’s shaky breath and then two strong arms held him even closer.

“Charles? Charles, you can come to my mind whenever you want, and look at whatever you want to. I wish there were no more misunderstandings between us.”

Charles shook involuntarily. He didn’t want to ask, but he needed things to be clear, and to not make any mistakes like that ever again. Very slowly he lowered his barriers to give Erik all the time to back off, and when it didn’t happen, he sent a particular request. He didn’t want to see those memories, and at the same time he felt like needed to.

He saw Shaw walking into a dirty, run down room without any windows other than some skylights far up. There was a younger Erik, weak and starved, kneeling at the door with his head down.

“Looks like you were a bad boy again,” hissed Shaw, broad and dark in a black uniform, towering over the crouched figure. “For you to try and sneak out again...”

“No!” Erik’s voice was still boyishly high. “I promise, I wasn’t-“

“Silence!” One kick sent him on the floor as easily as a ragdoll. “You think you can talk to me like that, you little bitch? That you can argue with me?”

“No. I’m sorry, Doctor.”

“You won’t be getting any food today, again. See what you made me do? Do you want me to starve you to death, boy?”

“I don’t, Doctor.”

“That’s better. Now get up on your knees, I don’t have the whole day!”

Shaw crossed the room and sat himself on the only clean thing in sight, a stuffy and comfortable looking armchair. If it really was comfortable, Erik didn’t know, he never dared to touch it even if there was nobody to see. He felt like the Doctor would know even then. Now Erik dragged himself up with shaky arms, head still bowed low, right when he was called again.

“Maybe if you are a good little cocksucker I will feed you today. What do you think, slut? Should I let you keep something in your stomach?”

“Yes, please, Doctor.” Erik’s voice didn’t shake.

“Good. So come here and show me.”

Erik crawled across the dirty floor and both of them knew what was going to happen next. In the memory all emotions were dim, mostly resignation and acceptance, and it clashed with what Charles felt at that moment: mostly rage, disgust and pure hatred, the way he never hated anyone before, even Kurt, even his mother. But more than that his heart beat for this boy who thought this was his world now, and knew he was not likely to see the outside ever again. But he survived all of those tortures and cruelty, learned that the outside wasn’t that much kinder than his cell, and yet what he felt at this very moment was only concern that Charles was going to hurt himself by watching this memory. There was more, but Charles dragged himself back shivering all over and crying again.

“Oh, Erik. My dear, beloved Erik. I’m going to bring you Shaw’s head on a silver plate. I promise you, my love.”

And Erik looked at him with those steel-gray eyes full only of awe and wonder.

**Author's Note:**

> TW: rape/non-con elements are in Erik's past with Shaw, at one point described in a memory, along with child abuse and violence. Erik is 14-15 at the time, and that's the underage warning. In Cherik there are dubious consent elements, and horrendous BDSM etiquette, with neither of them knowing what they are doing. Charles doesn't want to hurt Erik, but he also doesn't know how badly he was hurt in the past. Charles worries about accidentally mind controlling Erik. They stay together with a hint of some healing in the future.


End file.
